You know…I wake up in the morning, and sometimes I wish I could just stay in bed for about a week instead of having to face reality. I roll over and check my phone. Then I go use the bathroom like normal. Depending on how I feel that day I have to look away from the mirror when I brush my teeth. Most days I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t have to work. My classes are online this semester so it’s no requirement for me to have to actually go anywhere. Will I put on clothes today? Will I leave on my pjs but just throw on a bra? Will I hear from someone who I miss dearly? Will I have an emotional breakdown and have to finally go seek help? It’s amazing the things that goes through a person’s mind when they are so unsure of their future. It’s scary. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to pass this semester so that I can graduate in May. Will I find a job after I graduate or start a career? Where will this be? What city am I going to have to move to? Sometimes I wonder if getting myself prepared mentally, physically, and spiritually for the future is worth it? I wish I didn’t doubt myself so much. 

Lately I’ve been entertaining the thought of motherhood because I know I’d make a good mother. I just wish I knew whether or not I’d be able to conceive, carry full term, and birth a child with no problems. For some reason I don’t see myself in a relationship though. So many thoughts go through my head. It must be effecting my waking life because I can never seem to get my room organized. I’m so nervous about this semester. 

There is one person who I just can’t get out of my head. I can’t believe that I allowed myself to long for someone so bad. Who am I? This isn’t me. My attitude with most people is that I can either take them or leave them, but there is just something about this man. I wonder how is he a lot. One time during homecoming I walked right passed him and didn’t say anything because every emotion that I’ve held in up to that point surfaced. When I got home all I could do was take a shower, lay in bed, and cry. 

I wonder if he reads the mess that I write on here. It’d be nice if he did, but then again I’d have so much explaining to do. What has become of me? Maybe this is what vulnerability is supposed to be or at least feel like. I need to find me. I need to find out what makes me happy instead of just being ok. I need about a month alone to just be able to experiment.

I want to be able to put everything I like in one career or at least have one career and different side jobs. Yea, that’d be nice.I need to stop rambling and go to bed.

Advertisements