Category: Ramblings

Envy is when you want something that someone else has. I struggle with this when it comes to certain things especially encouragement. I see people be their kids’ biggest cheerleader. They tell their child that they can do anything. I see how they call their children beautiful or handsome, and I wish that I got that as a child. It always seemed like I wasn’t good enough. I either needed to “stop looking so ugly” or when I got to high school it was, “You’d be cute if you wore makeup”. It didn’t bother me when I was a child. As an adult rejection makes those things dig deep. I know it’s easy to say that you should encourage yourself. That’s all well and good until it’s someone else’s assessment of you that determines whether or not you get that job or relationship. It’ll get better one day, but for now I’m going to allow myself to feel envious in order to deal with it.


When it comes to friendship or companionship, everyone has the right to seek out those who are like minded. Those who are like minded may not be in the same demographic which is perfectly fine. That is why I am confused when women who do not associate with that many women are looked down upon.

I personally don’t associate with that many women because I am not the same mentally as that many of them. I do have a few female friends, but we are all like minded. I don’t want to sit around and talk about men all the time. Yes, men are gorgeous, but I like activities. It’s easier to get a guy to go do certain things than a woman which is ok. I don’t mind getting sweaty and having conversations about humanities. The average woman won’t even speak up on social issues. Notice how your FB news feed have more men speaking up than women. I also grew up with three brothers so I am more comfortable around men. So the next time you see a woman who prefers hanging around guys remember there is nothing wrong with it, and mind your business.

Lessons About God

I grew up in a private Christian school from the ages of 4-17. I was made to go to a Baptist Church on Sunday. Throughout this time I had received mixed messages of God. The private Christian school that I went to taught us in a very Anglo Saxon way if you know what I’m saying. I’ve even had a bus driver say that there were no black people in the Bible. This school allowed praise and worship music, but I had a friend who got suspended for listening to a Kirk Franklin cd on the bus. We were told that it was wrong for certain instruments such as drums and guitars to be in church because rock musicians used them. We were told that it was wrong for those churches who have members running around and speaking in tongues.

As far as the Baptist church, I didn’t learn anything from it. All I remember is that the choir would sing songs that I couldn’t understand because the diction was horrible. Many times I would go to sleep because I didn’t pay attention. As I got older, an older boy showed interest in me, but I was not interested in him. He would wonder why I didn’t do anything in church. He would speak to my mom, but never to me. Meanwhile his mom who was an associate minister would watch me as I took care of my nieces and nephews.

When I went to college, I would read bits and pieces of my Bible but never studied it. I went to Bible study faithfully which really helped me to deal with my impossible roommates. In undergrad, I had a Sociology professor who was an ordained Baptist minister. Sometimes he would start preaching and would have to stop himself. What he didn’t realize is that we liked when he preached because he taught us how to respect and learn from other religions. I need to find Dr. Pullen for a therapy session. He is also a licensed therapists, and many of us would go to his office just to talk.

After I graduated from grad school, I started reading my Bible verse by verse. It has taken some time because I am also considering the history and astrology that was observed during the time that those passages were written. With all of this being said, this journey has taught me many lessons about God. The main one is that you cannot put God in a box.

God is God whether we call him Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Universe, energy, Source etc. God is the glue that holds this universe together. God is the feeling that tells you everything will be ok even though you are facing eviction. God is knowing whether or not someone you meet for the first time will be a snake or one of the best people you will ever meet. God is realizing that you don’t have to have the same religious beliefs with someone else for you two to get along. God is the lesson you learn through tough times. God is the amplifier of your good times so that you can bless someone else. God is the peace during the storm. God is the discretion you have without proof.

During these last few years, I have met people who follow religions other than Christianity and it helped me to understand Christianity even more. It was a Wiccan who taught me how to use the Bible to manifest my desires. It were Astrologists who helped me to understand the timing in the Bible. Those beasts in the Bible represent astrological signs that show certain times of year. Following those who practice Yoruba and Vodoun religions helped me to understand how King Solomon appreciated the woman’s body. I used to shy away from other religions because I was taught they were false and evil, but when you humble yourself to God you see that He’ll show you who He is in ways you would never imagine.

Below is information from regarding the recent lawsuit against Navient.

Remember interest rates may go up so settling any student loan debt over $30k may be a viable option.


Chakra Tarot Spread

I did the chakra spread today, but with tarot cards. I’m not that good at tarot just yet, but I’ll type what I think it means. Here’s a link to the article that explains what every position means. If an “R” is next to a card then it means reversed.

Chakra Card Spread

  • Root-Empress, 10 of Wands R, Death R-I have what it takes to succeed, but through sacrifice can I only start over.
  • Sacral- 6 of cups R, 3 of wands R, Ace of cups R-I am realizing what I want if I open up and not let myself down.
  • Solar-9 of cups, Devil R, King of Pentacles-I am making the best out of my situation that’ll pay off later if I resist temptation.
  • Heart-8 of pentacles, Temperance, Emperor-Keeping my emotions in check will profit from the work I’ve done to grow.
  • Throat-5 of pentacles, 7 of cups, 2 of pentacles R-Clear communication will allow me to not have to juggle resources anymore.
  • 3rd eye- Strength, Lovers, 6 of wands R-I know who I am, but I need to learn how to love myself to gain true freedom.
  • Crown- Page of pentacles R, 8 of wands R, 4 of wands-I am letting the Diving know my needs, but I need to slow down to nurture myself.


Again I am not an expert so if you see these cards communicate a different message then please comment below. I posted this to help myself learn more.

Chakra Card Spread

I was googling chakra spreads to use with my tarot and oracle cards, but I decided to come up with my own. Each position represents the 7 chakras: Root, Sacral, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, Third eye, and Crown, but it includes 21 cards in total. Cards 1-7 represent the current state of your chakra. Cards 8-14 represents what type of work that chakra needs. Cards 15-21 represents what you are good at or your tendency. Attached are pictures I did to demonstrate. I used playing cards because I’m still learning tarot cards, and playing cards make more sense to me. I simplified the meaning of each card from Cards of life. Excuse the photo quality, I need a new phone.


These are my 1-7 cards; root-crown chakra.


These are my 8-14 cards.


These are my 15-21 cards.

Here’s a breakdown or simplified explanation

  1. Root Chakra: J of hearts (selfless love), 10 of spades (accomplishment in work), and 7 of hearts (spiritual love). I am grounded in selfless need, need to work on feeling accomplished in my work, and I am good at spiritual love.
  2. Sacral Chakra: 6 of hearts (responsible love), 8 of clubs (ambition and mental power), 4 of clubs (structural mind). I take pleasure in responsible love (read sex). I need to work on my ambitions. My identity is partly defined by having a structural mind.
  3. Solar Plexus: 2 of spades (union in work), 8 of diamonds (financial power), 10 of diamonds (financial accomplishment). I currently have the ability to take control of my work life. I need to get my finances straight. I also know how to obtain financial accomplishment.
  4. Heart Chakra: 5 of hearts (restless love), 5 of spades (adventurer), 9 of hearts (universal love). I am restless due to past hurtful experiences. I need to open myself to more adventures. I’m good at seeing the good in a lot of things.
  5. Throat Chakra: 8 of spades (work in power), 4 of diamonds (financial foundation), 6 of spades (responsible lifestyle). I understand the power of my words, need to use my words to attract or manifest money, and I am responsible with my words.
  6. 3rd Eye: 2 of hearts (union in love), 9 of diamonds (universal values), 7 of diamonds (spiritual values). I feel connected to my 3rd eye. I need to work on expanding it, and I am good at identifying my spiritual values.
  7. Crown Chakra: 2 of diamonds (union in values), 8 of hearts (social power), Ace of clubs (ambition or mystery). My consciousness if strong. I need to work on my consciousness when it comes to others, and I’m good at being mysterious.


In conclusion, I read those cards that way because I know me. If I were reading them for someone else then it’d be more detailed. I’ve noticed that it is mostly diamonds which translates to pentacles in tarot and hearts with translates to cups. In my waking life I do need to work on my material manifestations and figuring out what I want emotionally. Have fun with this spread. It can be used for many types of cards.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t an introvert. It’s isolating at times. I wish that I were that person who could walk into a crowded room and interact without having to feel it out 1st. I’m the one at work who sits towards the exit in a conference room just in case. It makes me feel safe. I wish that people would understand that, “Why are you quiet” is an offensive question. I don’t ask people why they won’t shut up. I have the ability to tune people out.
Sometimes being a free spirit is a burden too. It’s hard to follow the crowd when you don’t want to, and that’s one of the easiest ways to be left out. I like my freedom and individuality, but it makes jobs that require a lot of team work and recognition difficult. People don’t really understand being a free spirit because we are allegedly naturally social animals. People also think being a free spirit means promiscuity. I have sex maybe once a year. These two personality traits should come with a disclaimer. What that disclaimer would be, I’ll figure out someday.


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6 Inch Women’s Anthem

Since Beyonce dropped Lemonade back in April 2016, “6 Inch” featuring The Weeknd has been the song that stood out to me. Immediately I realized the song is about a strong woman. Lately I’ve been listening to it in a different way. It feels like it has more meaning. I watched the video, and this is what I noticed.

Throughout the video, Beyonce is riding through the streets with a red light glowing. I’m assuming it’s the red light district of a city. There is nothing but men walking through the streets. It made me think of masculine sensuality. Then there is another part where Beyonce is standing in a dark room with women surrounding her but sitting on couches. Beyonce is holding a red light bulb on a cord and twirling it around her head as if she is  casting a circle of protection with a coven. She mentions “your greatest fears”. This to me seems like she is acknowledging the strength of women when we gather in numbers.

Another element that stuck out to me is a red cross that flashes throughout the video. Crosses symbolizes rebirth. The word “loss” flashes for half a second before the verse that she sings. The verse that she sings is accompanied by Beyonce dancing on a stage, but she seems to be in a glass box symbolizing being trapped.

Towards the end when “stars in her eyes” starts you see Beyonce laying in bed with a mirror above her. Beyonce is staring visually distressed in the mirror before curling in a fetal position. You can tell that something has been bothering her. In another clip a hallway with a door and small window with a triangle over the door catches fire. Fire can be a symbol of purification and destruction. To me this symbolizes a woman destroying something to rebuild it. Beyonce is seen walking in this hallway in the white outfit that she wore in the bed so maybe this is her purification. A cross also catches on fire.

At the end of the song, Beyonce says “You know I make you feel. You’ll always come back to me” before “come back” echoes. At the end of the video, she is standing in front of women and fire. The words of the entire song sounds like she could be singing about a stripper which is clever because many people think stripping is degrading. What they don’t realize is how powerful it makes some women feel. The “come back to me” at the end reminds women that we can take back our power or other things that have been loss. I used to think “6 Inch” was about men, but I see now that it is really a women’s empowerment song.

Book Excerpts

In order to send some traffic to my new ebook, I decided to give previews of them. This is from the 1st part of Handcuffs. The link to my book is available here. I hope you enjoy this so far.

Beso isn’t your ordinary prostitute looking for a few tricks to pay her bills. This is simply for the thrill. See by day she is a detective at her Sheriff’s Office and spends her nights and weekends fulfilling the fantasies of others. She’s 5’8″ , 180 pounds, and 25 years old with curves that’ll make the Amazon River jealous. Her honey, caramel skin reflects her African American and Creek Indian heritage. Her chocolate brown curls reach out to the sky, and her light brown eyes reflects the sun’s rays. She goes by Beso Alma at night and Alise Brown by day. She has a Bachelor’s and Master’s of Science in Criminal Justice, a resume that includes political lobbying, and is one of the youngest detectives in the state. She started out as a trooper with the highway patrol straight out of undergrad at the age of 21. Her Master’s was completed online during her off time. She has helped prosecute the top drug traffickers by strategically performing her traffic stops at high traffic areas such as truck stops, rest areas, and welcome stations. This is also how she ended up in prostitution.
One afternoon after a routine stop and truck inspection she caught the eye of a Fortune 500 CEO driving the finest Porsche Cayenne. It was a cobalt blue with chrome trim and all black leather interior. See this CEO had pulled over to the rest area to rest for a while. He had been driving for 5 hours, and needed a break. Little did he know he’d be breaking off this young trooper sometime in the future. “That’s a nice car you’re driving. I don’t know much about cars, but I know a nice one when I see one,” Mrs. Brown said.
“Thank you”, Mr. Colt chuckled, “Am I in trouble or are you just complimenting my vehicle?”.
Mrs. Brown said, “It’s just a compliment. It’s a nice car, and blue is my favorite color”. Somehow this conversation about his car turned into a 30 minute conversation about life. She handed him her business card and pulled off to complete her routine patrol along Interstate 20. Later that night on her business cell phone she received the text, “You have a lovely smile, and I’d like to see you sometime when I’m in town for business. I can also make you my business if you play your cards right”. It was from Mr. Colt. She ignored the text that night, but the next morning she woke up to another text from him that said, “Good morning beautiful”.
She replied, “Good morning. I hope you have a nice day.”
Mr. Colt replied, “It’d be even nicer if I can see you”. Mrs. Brown was not the type to cheat on her husband, but she thought it’d be nothing wrong with having friends so she responded, “I’ll get back with you on that”. That night after Mrs. Brown got off work, she was informed by her husband that he had to work a double so he would not be home until well after midnight.
She made plans with Mr. Colt. One thing led to another and she ended up bent over his hotel bed receiving backshots while gripping the sheets as he struggled to keep his erection. They ended up having an orgasm together. He kissed her on his forehead and slipped $200 in her hand. “I can’t accept this. It’s illegal, and I don’t do this. I have a husband, and…”, Mrs. Brown said before being cut short.
Mr. Colt kissed her on her lips and said, “You earned it, and this will be our little secret.” She left that night and cried on her way home. She was crying because she felt like she betrayed her husband, and was crying because she enjoyed it. For one night she was able to do what she was taught not to do. She was able to be a bad girl, get paid for it, and feel powerful.